Saturday, October 16, 2010

Meet my higher power sheep (sheep’s-us)

                                                   Meet my higher-power stuffed sheep.

                                            Meet my higher-power stuffed-sheep’s ass.

Okay, I’m not a stuffed-sheep theist per se, nor do I worship a stuffed sheep’s-ass, so let me explain – about 3 years ago, after a night of binge-drinking (two bottles of cheep cabernet sauvignon) the next morning, I went to a Safeway store to get some food for breakfast. This was just one of those mornings, when I just couldn’t decide, just what I wanted to eat for breakfast – bacon and eggs? Or some veggies and fruit -- I just couldn’t decide; so I just bought both – and somewhere in that drunken haze, I had placed this stuffed sheep in my shopping-cart, along with two more bottles of cabernet.

When I returned home, I simply decided to drink my breakfast, and then I guess passed out. I awoke to find this sheep looking at me, and with those cold black eyes, which seemed to follow me all over the room. This gave me one hell of a fright. I didn’t even remember buying the stupid thing. I found this sheep so menacing, that I shoved him head first into a shelf – and that’s when it hit me – he can be my higher-power sheep, and remind me, not to drink so much. As a joke, I thought, people pray to “jesus,“ that’s about the same as praying to a stuffed sheep’s-ass – so I named him sheep-us. I started praying to sheep-us (my higher-power stuffed sheep’s-ass) for all kinds of things. When I would pull some money out of my pocket, and buy lottery tickets, I would say: “in the name of sheep’s-ass, I going to win some money,” and I would win – me and my sheep’s-ass, had a real hot streak going on for awhile.

Then awhile back, I was eating dinner at a bar, and there was a guy sitting at the bar playing the pull-tabs. This guy must have had about 300 dollars worth of them in front of him – he was trying to win a 500 dollar one, there was only one of them in the bin. I pulled out a 10, and said: “in the name of my higher-power stuffed sheep’s-ass, I’m going to win that 500 dollar pull-tab.” I opened the first one, it was one dollar, the next one was nothing, and the next one had 500 with a line though it. I set it back in the basket, and picked up my sandwich again, and went back to eating. This guy must have read my face or something; he looked at me and said: “you son of a bitch, you have it, don’t you.” At that point I said out loud: “praise the Lard, and pass the tequila” – boy was that guy pissed. I won over 800 dollars that night, and the next day, I bought myself a new laptop computer.

Now, I know that my sheep had little to do with the fact that I won. But if that had been a Christian, and said: “in the name of jesus,“and then won that 500 dollars, there would be no way of convincing them otherwise.