Saturday, February 26, 2011

My Higher-Power Sheep’s-Ass Strikes Again:

For months now, I have been trying figure out why my higher power stuffed sheep’s-ass has been stuck on fives. The first time that I prayed to my higher-power stuffed sheep’s ass for a new laptop computer, that same day, I won a 500 dollar pull-tab. The next time that I wanted to buy another new computer, I prayed again to my higher-power stuffed sheep’s ass, and within the next few days, I had won two five hundred dollar prizes on one single scratch lottery ticket for a total of 1,000 dollars – then after finding another computer that I wanted to buy, I again prayed to my higher-power sheep’s-ass for the funds to buy the new computer, hell, this time I even told my friends that my higher-power stuffed sheep’s-ass would come through again with the cash for my new computer, and they even laughed at me, and they said that I was the one who was stuck – “stuck on stupid,” then the next day when I won 500 dollars, and used it to pay for my new computer – one of my friends even accused me of being a Satanist, and my other friend simply became a believer that there is power in the sheep’s-ass! But still, I wondered, just why my higher-power stuffed sheep’s-ass, was stuck on fives?

I wondered – if it was because, I had come from a family of five (I had 2 siblings and 2 parents for a total of five). Or the fact that both my best friend and I, both have families of five (we both have 3 boys, and our wives, for a total of five?). Needless to say, this was a troubling mystery for me – then that’s when it hit me – it wasn’t my sheep who was stuck on the fives, it was me – I was only asking my sheep’s-ass for computers and other stuff that cost under five hundred dollars, and if I wanted to win more money, I simply needed to set my sights higher – I was only asking my higher-power stuffed sheep’s-ass for cheep computers and other stuff – it wasn’t my sheep being the tight-ass, it was me being the tight-ass, my higher-power stuffed sheep’s-ass, was simply giving me exactly what I was asking for (cheap shit). So the next day, I prayed to my higher-power stuffed sheep’s ass, and I asked my higher-power sheep’s ass to deal with a problem that I have been dealing with every since 2002, and among the other thing that I prayed to my higher-power sheep’s-ass that day for, were a new Macbook pro computer, a new HDTV, and a new Canon camera just like the one that Baconsbud recently received as a gift. Then this past Monday, I even told some of my friends, that my higher-power stuffed sheep’s-ass, would be buying me a new Macbook computer this week.

My younger friend responded: “all of that stuff that you are saying that your sheep’s-ass is going to buy for you this week, all costs almost 4,000 dollars; and that stupid sheep of yours has about the same chance of coming through with the 4,000 dollars, as I have of riding a flying pig to school this next Monday” (well my little piss-head friend, its Saturday, so you better start looking for a flying-pig, for your trip to school on Monday!). and when I told my other friend – the one who has 3 boys just like me, for a total five members in his family just like me – he responded about the same as my younger friend did – this despite the fact that I had told him, that like I had said in my last post, that I was starting to understand this stuffed sheep’s-ass theist thing, and I was now ready so shoot for 5,000?

This past Thursday started out as sort of a weird day, the night before it had snowed, and it was real cold that day. Both I and my friend were real bored, so we decided to take advantage of the snowy day to work on a project that we had been putting off for months – we took a trip to a nearby town to get parts for the project, and as we were driving into this town, and we approached a cemetery just on the outside of the town, I heard a sheep barking loudly – I heard: “Baaaaa, Baaaaa, Baaaaa.” I then asked my friend if he had heard the sheep bark too – he said that he thought the sound was simply caused by the tires running over the ice and snow – at that point I asked my friend to turn around and go back to where we had first heard the sound. As we headed back, and as we neared the gates to the cemetery again, I heard the sheep start barking again, so I asked my friend to pull the car over and park. I then got out and walked to the gates of the cemetery – and as I stood there, the sheep began barking again; I heard: “ Baaaaa, Baaaaa, Baaaaa” repeated many times, and I lost count at about 12. So I walked back to the car, and we then turned around, and continued into the town, and then picked up our parts. As we were leaving the town, we decided to stop at a store and buy some groceries, and again, just like all of the times before – the wheel on the shopping cart that I was pushing, started spinning around in circles, and making a sound like a sheep barking – I heard: “Baaaaa, Baaaaa, Baaaaa.” I had never even been in this store before, so I asked my friend to stay with our cart and our groceries while I went to see if this store had a lottery vending machine. When I found it, I again heard: “Baaaaa, Baaaaa, Baaaaa.” So just like all of the other times before, I pulled two 20s out of my pocket, and bought two tickets. Then when we returned to the car, my friend said: “OK, you sheep-theist, so let’s see that 5,000 dollar winning ticket that you have been talking about all week now.”

So I scratched the first one, he laughed and said: “you just lost 20 dollars.” So I scratched the second one, and we both discovered that it was a 5,000 dollar winner – my friend then became real quiet, and we didn’t even say one word to each other on the trip back home.

What I have learned is to be careful what I pray for, because my higher-power stuffed sheep’s ass gives me exactly what I pray for, and nothing more – so today, I started praying to my higher-power stuffed sheep’s ass, for a 60 foot yacht, a new house and other stuff – I’ll let you know what happens

My higher-power stuffed sheep’s-ass is still stuck on fives – even the winning number of the prize on the ticket, has a five in it (15).

And to my young friend, who thinks that I am a Satan worshiper, I bought you a new sweater and some other warm clothing (it’s going to be very cold, riding that flying pig to school on Monday!).

Saturday, February 12, 2011

My Higher Power Stuffed Sheep’s Ass Moves Again!

I hate to brag, but don’t you just hate it when you hear Christians thanking “Jesus” whenever something in which they perceive as good happens to them – like when they find some money laying on the ground (as if “Jesus” put the money there, and just for them to find it) or you even hear them thanking “Jesus,” when the medicine that they were taking, worked and they thank Jesus, because they feel better? Or they thank “Jesus,” when their child get’s an A in school (I guess that one is probably Ok, if their child is a talking-snake and dirt-man, and rib-woman believer, and they get an A in a real science class - then that would be a fucking miracle!). But when I told my friend 4 days ago, that I was going to buy a new laptop computer, and that I had “prayed” to my higher-power stuffed sheep’s ass, just like the other 2 time when I wanted to buy a computer, but didn’t want to spend my own money for it, that this time, that I knew, that my higher-power sheep’s ass, would come through again with the cash - my friend called the other 2 times that I had won the money for a new computer, just plain good luck; but now, after my sheep’s ass striking three time in a row, he’s even a believer now.

Yes, just like the last time that I won 1, ooo dollars, I was in the same store when the wheel on the shopping cart that I was pushing, started spinning around in circles, and making a sound like a sheep barking – I heard: “Baaaaa, Baaaaa, Baaaaa” again, so this time, I didn’t even hesitate, not even for one second - I simply pulled two 20s out of my wallet, and said out loud (LOL): “in the name of my higher power stuffed sheep’s-ass, I’m going to win money today” and I won 500 dollars, or 460 dollars, minus the 40 that I spent for the tickets. My sheep seems to be stuck on fives – 50-500 dollars, and I have started wondering how I can change that to 5, ooo dollars or even higher – maybe even 5 million or higher?

The reason why I started taking photos of my winning tickets, was because when I would tell some of my friends about me and my sheep, most wouldn’t even believe me – this time, one of my younger friends, accused me of being a Satanist, and he said that my sheep was just my cover for me praying to Satan – I don’t understand him, he’s an atheist?

Can someone be an atheist, and still believe in Satan?

Oh, and BTW, I simply love my new computer – and thanks Satan, oops, I meant, thanks my higher-power stuffed Sheep’s-ass!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Fifty Godless Years Old (Young) Today And Still Going Strong

This godless heathen just turned 50 today; and despite my recently having some real fucked up side effects from my new medications, I am in good health, and I feel great today.

From Poke My Birthday:

On your Way to Your Birthday on 8.February.1961:

You were born on Wednesday on 8.February.1961 and you think this is your oldest day of your life history but you are sadly wrong. Let's surprise you:

4.April.1960, Monday, (Your birthday -310 days):

On 4.April.1960, Monday, your father has produced the semen that will be half of you soon.

He produced 1000 sperms every second of his life and you will be be lucky one out of 500 million sperm he sent on their way in the conceivement. You may find interesting to know that if he had drunk (or not drunk) coffee on this Monday morning, you might born completely as someone else (for instance in the opposite sex) as kafein changes the speed of male sperms.

19.April.1960, Tuesday (Your birthday -295 days):

Today your mother ad her last menstrual cycle and started building up the egg, that will be the other half of you.

After today, she will not have this cycle again for a very long time (thanks to you!). She spent Tuesday as moody, anxious, short-tempered and you should be glad, you were not around her that day!

4.May.1960, Wednesday (Your birthday -280 days):

Your mother's egg is ready to build the other half of you and your father and your mother got together to make you.

But there is still no "you" around so don't get excited much. It can take several hours for your father's sperm to reach your mother's egg and now it is just on its way out.

5.May.1960, Thursday (Your birthday -279 days):

Out of 500 million sperm on their way to your mother's egg, the sperm which built you has won the race by coming first and the sperm and the egg is became one to make your very first cell. Do you see how lucky your half (the sperm) be by winning coming up first among 500 million other rivals? Never tell you are not lucky anymore!

We can call Thursday, 5.May.1960 as your "first day alive" because this is when you are a living entity, an embryo, congratulations! Although you are just a 1 cell creature today your unique DNA is also formed so your future destiny like your sex, height, physical apperance, intelligence, characteristic and vulnability to certain dissesases is already been determined.

19.May.1960, Thursday (Your birthday -265 days):

If your mother is an intelligent women, she would have suspected that she is pregnant at 19.May.1960, Thursday. She is not very sure yet but she is suspicious. We hope she was excited and joyed, not worried.

26.May.1960, Thursday (Your birthday -258 days):

Today your mother is telling your father about her pregrancy and he is celebrating to be a daddy!

Day 26.May.1960, Thursday is also important in that, your heart has pumped for the first time today. We don't know if it is a coincedence that your father learned about you in the very day, your heart first pumped!

10.August.1960, Wednesday (Your birthday -182 days):

Your parents could have lawfully got an abortion until 10.August.1960, Wednesday so this is also an important day of your life. Today they decided you should live!

We are glad they didn't otherwise, we'd lose one site visitor in

8.February.1961, Wednesday(Your birthday):

You are born to a cruel world. Happy birthday little buddy! We hope you remember to enjoy your life which was a big journey from day minus 310 to today.

If you would have asked me 40 years ago what I thought that I would be doing today on my fiftieth birthday, I would have simply look at you as if you were crazy, and then said that I would just be, being worm food – man does the time, just fucking fly!!!!!



The Pope gets an unexpected visitor:

The Pope said a few private words to the boy, before blessing him and sending him back into the crowd: “Oh, if only I wasn’t so old and dried up, and if only I could still get it up – your little asshole would be mine.”

Friday, February 4, 2011

Ok, so let me get this one straight, Noah had two of these on his ark too:

North America's only marsupial (female has a pouch) mammal. The female carries and nurses her young in her marsupium until they are about 2 to 3 months old; then they are carried on her back another 1 to 2 months whenever they are away from the den.

Size of a cat; grey to black fur; black eyes; pink nose, feet and tail; black ears; and pointed nose.

Solitary and nocturnal: usually slow moving; when frightened and unable to flee may fall into an involuntary shock-like state, "playing 'possum".

Hiss or growl and show their 50 sharp teeth when frightened; but, in reality, they are gentle and placid— they prefer to avoid all confrontations and wish to be left alone.

Omnivorous: eats insects, snails, rodents, berries, over-ripe fruit, grasses, leaves, and carrion; occasionally will eat snakes, ground eggs, corn or other vegetables.

Adaptable; able to live wherever water, food, and shelter exist. At home in trees; uses its prehensile tail to help stabilize position when climbing— it does not, however, hang by its tail.

One of the shortest lived mammals for its size, typically 2 to 4 years. Killed by many predators: humans (and cars), dogs, cats, owls, and larger wildlife.

I remember the night when our son, then 6 years old, first came face to face with one of these ugly rat looking things – he was lying on the grass in our backyard, when a big, really big Opossum walked over and took a look at him – our son pissed his pants!

Can we really trust science?

Whenever I hear Christians saying that we should teach children both intelligent design (the creation story in the bible) and evolution, and then simply let them decide which one that they choose to believe, it always takes me back to the day when I first heard the story of “Noah’s Ark” and the “great flood.” I had already learned about the dinosaurs, and how they had gone extinct over 65 million years ago, and yet, this Christian lady was telling me this horror story of how a god had flooded the earth about 4000 years ago, and killed everyone and everything on earth, with the exception of Noah’s family and the pairs of animals on his ark, and how the earth was only about 6000 years old; and just how confused that I became. Later that same day, I asked my dad which of these stories was true; was the earth 6000 years old, or was the earth millions of years old. My dad then took me outside on our front porch, and he then pointed at Mount Rainier, and he asked me if I could see all the snow and ice that was on the top of the mountain – he then told me, that even if there was enough water here on earth to cover the whole planet, and to a depth which would cover the top of Mount Rainier, that the water would have frozen, and today, the earth would simply be a dead ball of ice floating in space, and that the earth was in fact much, much older than a few thousand years.

Today, when you ask most Christians about this silly story; and with the exception of the most profoundly ignorant and deluded, most will say that this story should only be taken in a metaphorical context. So okay, then what about dirt-man and rib-woman, and the 6000 year old earth – should they be simply taken metaphorically as well, and if so, then what is left, (these silly and deluded stories, are the bedrock of 3 religions, including Christianity) isn’t it just time to throw the baby out with the bathwater then?

My point being, we shouldn’t even be teaching children this deluded thrash in church, and least of which in our public schools – there is a big difference in believing something on faith, and believing in something that can be tested and understood. I trust science because I understand science, and believe that the most important thing that we should be doing as atheists, is demanding that science be taught in our public schools with the same intensity as all of the other subjects, and stop entertaining this creation nonsense. 

The BBC: Do We Really Need The Moon:

You won’t find very many of those who both carry the mind-virus, and who also understand the importance that the moon played in shaping our climate, and in the evolution of all life here on earth – and despite this fact, there are few today in the scientific community, who disagree with the fact that all life here on earth, would be totally different today without the moon, or if life would even exist at all today, if not for the moon.  And even fewer in the scientific community, who would disagree today with the fact that all life here on earth, began as a sort of soup in the Ocean, and with the moon playing the role of a chief stirring the pot.  I really liked this program, in part because I can relate to the scientist, who like me has dyslexia and struggled in school, and then found her niche within science and then excelled!